Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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stand with me against insufficient seating
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”