Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
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I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*