Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
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Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
what the hell girl, sure
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself