Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’