Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
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A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
rip to my favourite tweet
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.