hand it over!
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
me when the borders lift
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.