hand it over!
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Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.