Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
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dutch so unserious
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
never compromise your values
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Me :
All Day At Night
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Breakfast for Stoners:
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I stand by it
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
The “baby” on the left….
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.