“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
What legos do when we’re not looking.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.