“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up