“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
no exceptions
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?