Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
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kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
can you read it!!??
maan!
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Me trying to walk in a dream
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.