Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Meowchelangelo
Who did it better?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions