Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

dads on road-trips be like

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

what’s in a name?

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Actually cracking up @ this

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.