Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.