Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

This anagram machine is out of order.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food