Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL