Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.