Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)