Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”