Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

Real House Wines.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me