hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
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Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
#MeanwhileinCanada
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking