hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
You Might Also Like
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats