hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
You Might Also Like
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me