Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!