Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

get you a girl who

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”