Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My dad.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
