Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.