Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

dutch is not a serious language

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.