*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
You Might Also Like
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…