Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

worst…sale…ever

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

opening a flower shop called women in stem

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

This makes total sense…