*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
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[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Friday night party time 🥳
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.