[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…