[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I hate my earbuds.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket