Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
You Might Also Like
A comic by Dan Piraro
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell
TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?
Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me redecorating every room in my mind
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.