Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.