Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
anyone else like Italian cereal
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Name another movie that mislead you?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.