Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time