Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

Voting for coroner

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Running from your problems is cardio .

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome