Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
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(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”