Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.