handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.