Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?