Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

Milk Cube

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds