Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
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me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I think I’m having a stroke
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep