Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

The opposite of goth is stopth.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough