Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel