Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
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My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”