SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
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I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*