Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’