Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!