Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.