hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Lmao the reply
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space