*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
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Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
When you kidnap a writer.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.