*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
You Might Also Like
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
finally
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
what’s more important?
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”