*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
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you’re not fooling anyone
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
he chose this
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna