*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
You Might Also Like
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Venn
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.