*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
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Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
🤣🤣🤣
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]