*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I’ve had worse
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten