Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life