Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.

This is me 🤣🤣

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

is it too early for christmas memes