*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
You Might Also Like
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella