Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.