*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*frowns in Scottish*
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.