Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

phew

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.