Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

lmao😭🤣

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.