[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Who chose this font
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
12653.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts