Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

trivia

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!