*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
crochet youtube is brutal
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My kitchen overserved me.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.