*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
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Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Its a hippotatomus
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.