*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
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I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
The old gods are rising again.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism